Expecting | 36 Weeks

"Probably one of the most private things in the world is an egg before it is broken." - M.F.K. Fisher

I keep calling the baby a "he."  I'll say something absently like, "He's got a foot wedged in my ribs," and a co-worker, or a family member, or a friend will say, "He?" knowing full (and frustratingly) well that I have no way to back up that pronoun.  We don't know if this is a boy, we've just got this feeling.

The night I found out I was pregnant (and rushed out of the bathroom with tears in my eyes to tell Wolfman in a voice that nearly failed me the news), he drew a masculine rune at random from his hand-sewn leather bag and announced, "it's a boy."  About a month later, I was at the library perusing the spirituality shelves and Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys nearly jumped off the shelf at me; it had clearly been misplaced, and stood proudly next to Deepak Chopra, cover out, as if waiting just for me.  When Sierra Dawn found out she was having a girl, she and Grandma looked at me over a Chinese buffet lunch saying, "You're having a boy," both so firm, I didn't argue with their mystical logic.  

I'm carrying low.  And a stranger on the bus one day leaned over me as he got off at his stop and said, "You take care of that little man in there," pointing at my belly.

We're not leaving the gender up to surprise and speculation on purpose.  The search for unisex infant clothing is an arduous one, after all.  We simply decided that an ultrasound didn't seem necessary, and one of our midwives (my favorite at the birth center, actually, the woman I hope is on call when I'm in labor) agreed with us.  She said, cheerily, "It's not!"  And that was that.

But when this baby is so big and so close, it feels like he (or she!) is here already in a way, a part of our lives viscerally, it's hard to not know for certain.  I'd like to call him (or her!) by name.  We already have them picked out, the names--have had for months now.

We had another appointment at the birth center this morning and, once again, everything--womb size, baby's heart beat, blood pressure, hemoglobin count--is just on-the-dot perfect.  I guess in light of that, boy or girl doesn't really matter.